On the Rocks What? A member of the Frat Pack can’t keep himself upright for longer than twenty minutes each day to shoot scenes for his current movie? How could that be? Well, due to his 24-hour boozing, producers and studio executives are crossing their fingers he’ll make it through production. Hey, fellow Frat Pack members: Give your friend an intervention already! Give Us a Break This female producer called her assistant over a holiday weekend, when her heal broke just as she was about to board a plane at LAX. Her panicked 9-1-1 calls erupted her assistant’s cell phone, while he was at a holiday party with friends. The producer demanded he race to the airport immediately in order to bring her a tube of superglue so she could fix her shoe! The assistant obliged, fearing his loss of income. Actor Dearest Answering a recent “help wanted” ad, a would-be assistant was met by this former action star who proceeded to lead the possible new hire through his mansion to a closet. Yes, a closet, which is where his current assistant was crammed into a 7 x 4 ft space with a phone and a computer on a desk the size of a TV tray. Needless to say, the would-be assistant politely exorcised herself from the proposition and ran to her car. And the Oscar Goes To... Uncle Sam? This Best Actor’s wife has a problem with her spending habits...so much so, that after six years of failing to file tax returns, the IRS is now threatening the award-winning actor with taking his house away. What’s a leading man to do? Go back to work – no matter the project –to pay the approximate $25 G a month IRS payments. G’Day, Mate It’s only a matter of time before this publicist is F-I-R-E-D... At a recent photo shoot, the rep was busy telling everyone who would listen just what a busy boy his A-list, very married-with-children, Aussie client can be. According to the loose-lipped rep, the hunk from Down Under has an insatiable appetite for ladies and a libido to consume eight to ten a day.  Good Housekeeping  He said they followed him home, forced their way inside, tied him to a chair, beat him black and blue and robbed him blind. It’s all true – but what this literary rep failed to say is that he hired the thugs to do it! Why? So his wife – whom he was in the process of divorcing – would not be entitled to half his property (if reported stolen).  Dude, Where’s My Carcass? You’d never think that a literary/producing rep would be dumb enough to keep nose candy on his menu but then again... A snorting problem that many suspected was confirmed at a recent film festival when a night on the town ended in an OD replete with collapse on foreign city streets. Though the rep was rushed to a hospital, friends say fatty still hasn’t learned his lesson and is cruising the fast lane of the Chris Farley highway.  Straight Shooter Now that he’s emerged as the latest heroic on-screen figure, his reps have been going to great lengths to conceal the fact that the brooding hunk is gay. Just how far? By staging photos that appeared in the tabloids with him and that gorgeous female movie star. Word has it that his publicist arranged the “candid” shots of the two looking cozy in an effort to stave off a rival rag who was about to break a story that the young man has a preference for “outies.” It all paid off – now he’s constantly asked in interviews if he’s ever dated the woman. “We’re just friends,” he says. This time, the too-often-heard statement is actually true.  Hammerhead Shark We’ve all heard about agents abusing assistants, but abusing oneself for the mistakes made by an underling? Apparently it happens since one particular agent has been known to take the phone receiver and violently bash his own head when an assistant has done something wrong. Ouch!  Diamond in the Muff Another female assistant was overwhelmed by the diamond earrings her uber-agent boss gave her for her birthday but it didn’t last long when, at the end of the day, he got lost on his way to a dinner meeting, then blamed it on her. Big boss told her if she didn’t get him “un-lost” he was going to drive back to the office and pierce her [private parts] with the earrings. Double Ouch!  Minority Report This talent manager reps more than one African-American performer. But they’d be out the door in a flash if they heard the racist things he says behind their backs. One Size Fits Small Mister manager/TV producer, who’s always being dragged into court, is so tiny that, according to his assistant, he buys his suits in the boys department of a famous department store in Beverly Hills. The assistant found this out when his boss’ newest order of suits arrived with the boys department logo still sewn into the jacket. The boss went ballistic and jumped up and down on his desk. Well, how else was he going to look him in the eye?  Split Personality Just days after the petite, olive-skinned franchise actress signed with the big superpower agency, that blonde, willowy starlet who had been represented there for several years decided to leave for a rival ten-percentery. Apparently, she felt that the new arrival would be muscling in on possible roles that Blondie might otherwise be up for. Sounds like a case of career envy on Blondie’s part since the two, although close in age, look nothing alike.  What a Drip He said he was busy fixing a leaky roof but he was simply high off a binge that kept him from work – yet again. His partners, tired of the constant excuses and suspecting an addiction, told him they were coming to his home to see the hole in the roof for themselves. Panicked and drugged out, the rep grabbed his tool kit, climbed his roof and proceeded to destroy it just before the visitors pulled up.  ’Til next time...